I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
