My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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