Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
How external is "for external use only"?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
