DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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