i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
