How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
As shirtless as possible
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
