Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
