she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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