the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
