there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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