Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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