It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
