he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
