He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
