worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think i got beer on your cat.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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