Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
