i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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