They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
