Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
