god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
