When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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