Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
And then he peed in my hair
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
