Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Randomize
