I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
