What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
