I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
