smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize