eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
