This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
