You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
