I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
