i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
