Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
