I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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