Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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