Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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