Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize