when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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