My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
