the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
