rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
