I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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