i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
