Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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