my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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