So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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