I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
