I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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