Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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