I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
