a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
