you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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