I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
