i'm signing you up for texting rehab
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
