What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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