No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
